I am a realization junkie. I love those moments of “getting it”.
Or at least feeling like you get it, without really understanding, without really changing. I think truly growing from something often requires a lifetime of practice. The realization comes and goes, but the practice remains.
Well, I’ve had a realization. And I’d like to explain it to you. And the fact that I find this absurdly difficult is probably a good sign. It means I’m not full of crap.
For all my “trying” to do things this past year – to start a business, provide for my family, save the world – I wasn’t doing. Nothing natural tries – trees, clouds, rivers, wildebeest. They just do. Trying never works.
I was like the big bad wolf – huffing and puffing and trying to blow over a mountain. It wasn’t working.
And when you find yourself “trying”, but not doing, it is a sign that you are doing something else.
I have learned a lot, certainly. About business and marketing and websites, and other gross stuff that I can’t stomach talking about in public. Empty things, that are probably meaningful to someone else, someone with a purpose.
But it has been my dive into stillness, presence, and intuitive awareness that has given me what I needed to see.
Which was that I have actually been in the process of making a decision. I’ve been gathering facts, experimenting, testing the waters. But my heart wasn’t committed to any of my endeavors, precisely because I was in the process of testing what my heart could commit to.
This decision is about the kind of life I want to lead, the kind of person I want to be, the way I want to try to feel moment to moment, the voice of the universe that I’m going to trust. It has been about the kind of person I don’t want to be, the things I don’t want in life, the things that don’t matter, to let go of.
It’s amorphous. It’s an understanding to grow with, that will mean more over a lifetime.
But more than anything, I have decided my allegiance. I don’t want a normal life, clinging to the beige box full of possessions, trying to dress normal, to avoid anything that might make others uncomfortable.
I want to be awake, to do nothing to encourage the sleeping.
The words don’t really explain it, but I think I could spend my life living up to it.
If your projects aren’t going the way you expect, try getting quiet and asking yourself and the universe what you are actually trying to do in your current circumstances.
Your heart is right, but its voice is subtle. It takes patience and discernment to understand. Give it time, and watch how the crazy things that come to you are answers in disguise.
The path that is yours probably has nothing to do with doing X thing on X day. It has to do with what is good for your soul. And souls speak in the language of the heart. Let your answer be a feeling, and let it be in the moment. Happiness and peace right now is the nearest thing to a guaranteed good life we humans can come. Seek that within yourself.
There are four stages to a transformation – the idea, the decision, the creation/ action, and the sharing. If whatever your soul wants you to do is not what your brain wants, try looking at the four stages to see which you are in with your project. It might be you are not where you thought. But odds are, what you are already doing is perfect for where you are.
Listen to your heart, not your head. Learning to understand that subtle, inner language is probably one of the best things you can do for guidance in life.